Bringing Sexy Back

Good Morning! It was a gloriously sunny day in our part of the world yesterday, and Emily went falconing with her kid and dear friends, which is not something she can normally say, so she took the day to focus on saying that to as many people as possible rather than writing a newsletter. (But now she will also open the newsletter with that information because as very important journalists we can’t bury the lede). Alexina, meanwhile, let her sons’ hair down (okay it’s always down and very long), went to one kid’s T-ball game, frolicked in the sun, then took the other kid out for burgers and a movie.

While we took a day to be totally present, Rihanna was busy doing the thing she has been doing a lot lately: bringing sexy back—sexy pregnant, that is. Of course, the real question is: did it ever leave? Emily, for one, recalls some daring fashion choices that she made whilst laying on the couch like a beached sea lion for 10 weeks of bed rest. She asked herself, every day, “Do I dare to wear these stretchy Target pants for one more day?” 

The thing is, sea lions are actually very attractive animals when you think about it, and Target really goes after it with the fashun. And then when pregnancy turns into actual parenthood, things only get sexier. In fact, we are here to redefine some commonly misunderstood terms and argue that parenting is just about the sexiest, most fashion-forward thing you can do. After all, what could be a more daring way of showing up than announcing your intention to prepare a human for this world? So, without further ado:

GLOSSARY OF PARENTING TERMINOLOGY

‍Dad Bod: A bod that takes the power back by asking its clothes to fit it rather than the other way around. Features may include a “spare tire” which is actually just an insurance policy against any driving mishaps; and biceps that may look pale and lifeless but are strategically designed to fit through small cracks to reach electrical outlets and slip easily from under a sleeping child’s pillow, after said bod has fallen asleep in child’s room.

Dad Jokes: Dumb things that dads say like, “If you made cookies for their classroom, do you still have to make them a lunch?” or classically “What’s for dinner?” that are meant to be jokes and everyone else just constantly misunderstands them because of course the dads already knew that this was a dumb thing to say so that’s why it’s ironic and very hilarious.

Mom Jeans: Any style of denim that your mom is wearing now and which you will see on all 20-year-old girls in a college dive bar in 10 years. Will be awkwardly paired with an ill-fitting and uncomfortable top that only looks good while the wearer is standing up very straight.

Mom Brain: An incredible multi-tasking, multi-talented machine that does calculations faster than a NASA scientist and accomplishes tasks with more efficiency than Steve Jobs could ever conceive of. Commonly referred to in connection to the term “invisible work” even though only certain people can’t see it. Wants everyone to stop talking about self-care because it is already in therapy once every other week for half an hour between conference calls and piano lessons.

MILF: Mother I’d Like to Free from any preconceived notions about what motherhood is supposed to look like and just let her do her thang. (Which includes saying “thang” because one day it will really embarrass the children). 

DILF: Not an actual term that anyone uses but in the interest of equity, is included in this glossary. Could stand for Dad I’d Like to Frangle (strangle didn’t fit with the acronym so we had to modify).

Hot Mom Summer: First known use of this term was during the Pioneer days when Ma undid her braid, threw off her bonnet, and let the children be seen and also heard. Term has since been perverted and more commonly known as “hot girl summer,” which is less about bonnets and way less wild.